The stress of house hunting

I've been busy the last few weeks absorbed in the Breaking Bad boxsets which I have to say I'm loving! But aside from that we've also been house hunting. And we've gone full circle with our plans - we've decided to stay in Edinburgh!

A few months of job hunting up north has made us realise that although our family would be closer we are unlikely to get work up there. Or if we did it's likely it would be shift work and we would have to drop our wages as it's difficult to stay on the same band when you move to another NHS trust. Yes moving north meant the house prices would be cheaper, the schools are excellent but there are less amenities and opportunities and overall it seems like our quality of life wouldn't be so good. We've also built a life here in Edinburgh having been in the Lothians for the past twelve years and it would be tough to give that up...

 So we've started looking for properties. Edinburgh is not a cheap city to live in, especially when you're trying to get something in a good school catchment. But I think we can do it and the bonus is that where we are renting is already in a good catchment so there shouldn't really be too much pressure to move before August although in an ideal world...

 I have quite been stressed over these last few weeks and my ME has flared up at times. The whole process of buying, with the closing dates and being outbid, really gets to me and as a result I even missed a hospital appointment as I was so distracted -oops! I'd noticed I was feeling really irritable and feeling despondent as it reminded me of how difficult it had been back in the early 2000's when we were first time buyers and properties were going for well over the valuation.

 Luckily I recognised that feeling this way was not going to help my health and I can't risk having another relapse. I am a true believer in the saying 'what's for you wont go by you'. So I've been challenging my negative thoughts and worries about the future and I'm trying to focus on the present, practising mindfulness, and have started back at my yoga class. So although the process of searching for properties, viewing them and liasing with solicitors isn't the most relaxing, I recognise that I need to take everything a step at a time and keep grounded, not allowing myself to get caught up in the 'what if's and but's'. I've also signed up to 100 happy days which means I'm taking photos or making note of things that have made me smile each day. It's worth checking out!

 Hope you are all keeping well and stress free. I'm signing off now - back to Breaking Bad...

New Year, New Things

As I find shops too busy and tiring (and its impossible to browse with a four year old) I do most of my shopping all year round online and got some online bargains in the New Year sales. However I did also manage a few hours out in Edinburgh with a friend and picked up a couple of treats for myself (and my little boy).

I bought a couple of pairs of jeans; a skinny grey pair from new look at the bargain price of £8! and these bootcut jeans from Oasis which were £30, a bit more than i'd hoped to pay but they are a very nice fit. Both pairs were a 34inch length which is perfect for me. I find it can be really difficult trying to get long length jeans/trousers in the sales.

The red bird top is from Alice and You at Dorothy Perkins (around £10) and the Tall blue marl jumper was also around £10 from DP.

I also got a pair of cute little pumps for £8 for New Look.

On my venture into town yesterday, I got this cute little stag badge for a few pounds from a quirky little sweet shop just off the Royal Mile. I'm not sure if I've said before but I am obsessed with stags and have various stag related items dotted round the house, including a pair of antlers hanging in my lounge....

Although we agreed to limit our spending on each other at Christmas, I opened this gorgeous bag from my husband (another obsession of mine is Harris Tweed).

So I'm feeling pretty chuffed with my bargains and my bag. Did you manage to pick up anything in the sales?

A realisation - becoming middle aged

I don't really like making new year's resolutions but I do have a guilty secret and that's compiling a list of things to do before I'm 40. I was thinking that I have a fair bit to go before that happens but then the other day I realised that I actually turn 35 in the summer. Eeek! I find that extremely hard to get my head around. Turning 30 was actually ok for me; I was pregnant, married, a house-owner, my health was stable and I had a job. So for me I felt I had achieved a lot of things I had wanted to do. It's entering the territory of 'middle aged' that scares me. It's stereotyping I know but the image I have in my head of someone middle aged is dowdy, dull and sensible. Far from what I believe I am and most of my friends the same age are (and in fairness most people who could be termed middle aged!). And I don't like labels and refuse to be boxed in by them, probably as much as I like to push against the label of ME/CFS! So I'm going to carry on as if I'm still 27 (this is the age in my head that I am stuck at). And although I haven't made resolutions for 2014, my main goal is to continue to be healthy, listen to my body and keep going with my meditation and yoga, as well as the practical - finding a new house!


I have a board on Pinterest that I'm using to collect all my ideas of what I would like to achieve before 40 (please check it out and follow me if you are on there):

• Write a short story
• Learn Spanish fluently - I did some night classes a few years ago but didn't keep it up
• Learn Guitar - I'm fairly musical anyway and did some chords in my teenage years but would like to brush up
• Go travelling - South America, The States - too many to name individually!
• Learn to dance to Northern Soul
• Have a vintage style makeover and photo shoot
• Go skinny dipping - I've done wild swimming while camping but never naked! 

I'm sure I will add to that list but for now its all about not putting too much pressure on myself, keeping my health stable and trying to be the best mum I can be. Next year my little boy starts school which is also going to be very traumatic for me! 

Do you have goals, dreams, aspirations? Even with a chronic illness that fluctuates I still feel I need to keep positive and aim high! 

The Festive Season

I'm not going to go into too much detail about coping with Christmas as there are already some great blogs and articles already out there; the lovely Hayley's guide to surviving Christmas and this from Cort Johnson at Health Rising, which discusses expectations that we have of ourselves and that others have of us. There is also an article on the  Action for ME website which is worth a read.  Finally A Thrifty Mrs and Miss Thrifty's blogs have given me quite a few tips on cutting costs this year.

I have to admit that despite pacing the Christmas shopping and having a husband who is on a par with Jamie Oliver most days, I still feel anxious about the big day. I think sites like Pinterest (jeez I have such a love/hate relationship with it) make you feel like everyone else is having a wonderful 'Martha Stewart' time of homemade christmas cards, freshly baked mince pies and beautifully presented, well behaved children. When in reality, my tree looks pretty wonky from my little boy knocking it over and half of my nice decorations are chipped or broken.(Why is it never the crappy ikeas ones that take a knock? It's always the nice Gisela Graham or John Lewis baubles grrr... ) Also due to my perfectionist personality, I have taken over the responsibility of buying most of my family and my other half's family gifts. Just to put you in the picture, its likely they would have nothing to open on Christmas day if it was left to him.... This comparison definitely applies to me!

Anyway we've decided to have Christmas at ours this year. My parents are coming and have offered to make a Clootie Dumpling; a Scottish steamed pudding, which is a lot nicer than Christmas pudding in my books. Luckily my folks are pretty low maintenance and will be quite happy to just chill out and accept whatever (I think...). My other half is a keen cook so will rustle up a very edible turkey dinner (I hope...) and I can be hostess/look pretty in my Christmas outfit and r̶e̶l̶a̶x̶ be forced to play Star Wars with my little boy.

This year will be a much happier time for me though. Last year, I had a horrendous relapse and could barely even stand long enough to decorate the tree or sit and eat a meal without retreating back to bed, so I'm extremely grateful that my health has improved and my symptoms are back to being mild and more manageable.

I have my first ME/CFS clinic appointment in January which I'm hoping will help to equip me with some more skills for managing my illness and hopefully improving my strength a bit more.
Let's hope that 2014 brings continued better health :)

Hormones

I had been doing pretty well on the sugar and caffeine front until the last few days...

Image: ondietandhealth.com

Every month, there is a week that causes me so much emotional and physical pain. Yes it's hormones! For me, there is a definite link between ME/CFS and hormones.

Prior to getting ill, I did suffer from PMS and also believe I was generally mildly dysthymic (although I could control this most of the time with CBT) but since becoming unwell it has increased tenfold. I get really irritable, negative in my outlook, feel anxious, get acne prone skin, oily hair, and am bloated, fatigued and notice an increase in my ME symptoms. Although I'm lucky enough not to experience pain generally with my ME, my muscles become very tender. My little boy loves rough play and so when he jumps on me or even grabs me, without much force, it can be excruciating! I also had Shiatsu on Saturday for the first time and wow that hurt! The bloating also causes a bit of pain.

The anxiety I experience is tough to deal with but I feel if I can recognise what the cause is and distract myself, then I can control it (rather than it controlling me). I follow this blog which is great for giving tips on how to handle anxiety in various situations.

During this time of the month, I try not to take too much on (which often means avoiding social situations or big things at work), get plenty of sleep, drink lots of water (which helps with the bloating), try and eat as healthily as I can (although i crave sugar like mad!) and use mindfulness and CBT to challenge any negative thoughts. It's a time I really dread every month and I envy those who seem to breeze through those days.

Do you find your ME/CFS symptoms change at certain times of the month? What have you found that helps PMS?

Soundtrack to my afternoon

At the weekend I hosted an afternoon tea party which seemed pretty successful. I hadn't set up any music but had the radio on and just by chance 6music played some jazz and chilled out tunes which were quite fitting with the ambience. 

Just prior to my visitors arriving I'd been listening to an interview with Kim Gordon from Sonic Youth (one of my big girl crushes!) Music is such a big part of my life and I haven't really shared what I'm in to. Although to be honest, I don't really know where to start!

Even during the bad times with my illness, I've always listened to music, I know I'm lucky as I'm aware some people with ME are very sensitive to sound. I've even dragged myself along exhausted to gigs and festivals as I've wanted to see the particular band/singer so much!

My tastes vary; as a teenager I was into a lot of dance music and indie but listened to a lot of sixties, jazz and classical (I played viola and violin and still do sometimes!), then an old boyfriend was into rap and hip-hop which I started listening to in my late teens/ early twenties. But my main influence with music was my husband. He introduced me to a lot of different bands and genres and I would say he has very similar tastes to myself. When we first got together he made me up a few mix-tapes for the car which I still have (and treasure even though I've nothing to play them on!)

I love to listen to my old dance tunes and reminisce about the past fondly. For me music is so powerful and can really shift my mood both positively and negatively. I do get times when I can't tolerate it though. My husband likes to listen to some pretty avant-garde stuff some days which I can't deal with.

At the moment I'm listening to a lot of funk and soul and rockabilly. Other bands/singers/djs that are special to me include Beck, Moby, Fatboy Slim, Beastie Boys, Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, Jurassic 5, Doves, Orbital, Parliament, Funakdelic, King Creosote, Daft Punk, Qotsa, The Black Keys, The Beta Band and a lot of newer Indie bands.  However my all time favourite band are Belle and Sebastian. And by concindence it wasn't until I started reading Just a Modern Rock Story  that I realised the lead singer Stuart Murdoch had been very unwell with ME while at university and had to take a good few years out. It was during this time that he wrote a lot of his songs. This interview talks a little about his experience of CFS. It appears that he is well nowadays or at least in control of his illness. I've posted you one of my favourites :) Does music play a part in your life? What tunes help you cope on your dark days?

What is recovery?

In the last few days, I've seen a few posts both on blogs and on facebook from people who have stated that they consider themselves to have recovered using a particular approach, which has been individual to them and some have felt unable to discuss the reasons behind their recovery. Here's another update on Martine McCutcheon who has shared some of the secrets behind her recovery.  I don't fully understand why people would want to keep it a secret and not help others... Anyway I've been thinking about what recovery is and how it seems to mean different things to different people.

For me eleven years on, I don't consider myself to be 'recovered'. To me being 'recovered' and 'well' is how I felt ten years and eleven months ago. Although I manage to work part time and look after a house (it doesn't resemble the glossy magazine pictures I aspire too though!) as well as looking after my boy and managing to do activities, I still suffer symptoms albeit mild. I'm aware that some schools of thought are that recovery doesn't always mean a return to pre-illness health especially if that lifestyle contributed to you becoming unwell but I would still like to be able to think that recovery could mean that I could still have the option of running a marathon if I wanted to?ha ha!

The question is what can help with recovery?  I've tried a few things over the years. Some more helpful than others and I plan to do another post about those later. Should I have done/be doing more to help myself get well?? A (short) graduated return to full time shift work a few months after getting sick was never going to help my recovery...  but in my defence I was beginning my longed for nursing career and had financial commitments. I was also in denial for a long time. I carried on trying to live the life I had been previously until somewhere along the line I began to accept what was wrong and alter my lifestyle and thought patterns.

Despite this I don't believe that changing your thoughts and taking an exclusively psychological approach to this illness will work (certainly not for me). When I can, relaxation and yoga definitely do make a difference to my fatigue levels and outlook but they are far from being a cure. Examples like the 'lightening process', 'mickel therapy' and 'reverse therapy' do seem to have worked for some sufferers but in addition to the lack of an evidence base for them, the costs involved are pretty significant. One approach I have been attracted to however is that taken by The Optimum Health Clinic. I have watched the DVD and follow them on facebook and I do believe that a holistic approach could offer some benefit. However until I win the lottery I will have to just make do with what the NHS is offering, which is graded exercise and cognitive behavioural therapy.

I could certainly do with letting go of a lot of the guilt and pressure I put on myself on a daily basis. I have to believe that it's not my fault and I am doing my best given the circumstances. Who knows, maybe it will be me telling you my recovery story some day....