ME/CFS clinic appt 8 - Stress Management

Appointment 8 happened last week and focused on stress management and a bit of CBT - challenging thoughts.

The stress management was helpful and outlined what can cause stress:

Taking on more than you can do and not allowing yourself to have enough relaxation time.
For me definitely! I recognised recently that a lot of the time I offer to take on more at work than others just because I don't want my colleagues/ manager to feel like I can't manage it. I feel like I have to prove myself. And in terms of socialising, I don't like to miss out even if that means getting payback. I am however getting better at all of this and am prioritising what really matters.

Never saying 'No' to people.
Well I feel proud to say that I am also improving in this area too. After that assertiveness course I feel I am getting my needs met now and thinking more about consequences before I reply with a 'yes I'll do it!' 

Never being satisfied with what you have achieved.
This is an issue for me that I desperately need to look at. Using decorating the house as an example, we have only been in three months and have done quite a bit, transforming the living room and sorting out a playroom and bedroom for my little boy. However I still find myself driven to have a 'perfect home' and need to rein myself back a lot of the time and remind myself that it's a work in progress and it's all about the pacing!  The perfectionist element of my personality is really overwhelming at times! And discipline is not always my strong point...

Getting frustrated by my situation.
Yes I do. Especially when some weeks can be so great and then for a reason that is self-inflicted, or something that I just can't pinpoint, I slip again. I'm learning to be a lot kinder to myself though and more accepting of my situation.


We looked at unhelpful thinking patterns (again! I think it might be a lifelong process!) and the Worry Tree which I hadn't seen before:

 

                                                                                                                                                      
During this session it felt like things were beginning to come to an end. We've covered all of the lifestyle management topics that the clinic offers and in terms of beginning to exercise, I feel I know where I need to start and how to build myself up slowly. So we are going to have a final session in a month's time and then there will be a follow up three month's after this. I think the co-ordinator for Action for ME in Scotland is looking for feedback on how people have found the clinic so I plan to get in touch with her, as overall I've found it a positive and helpful experience and hope that others can benefit from it.

Assertiveness and ME

This week I attended an assertiveness course through work. It all came about after a dip in my confidence following my three months of sick leave due to a relapse at the end of 2012. It took me a while to get back to how I was pre relapse and as a result I was understandably a bit anxious. My manager suggested this course. However there were no spaces available at the time so roll on 15 months and he advised me that I was now able to go on the course. I wasn't sure I needed it to be honest. I felt like I was managing well at work now and could be assertive when I need to be. However I decided that there was nothing to lose and went along.

I thought that the course might have just involved telling us the differences between submissive, aggressive and assertive behaviour and the skills needed to assert yourself. Actually surprisingly there was a lot of self awareness to be done and I learned quite a bit about myself and the reasons why I communicate in a particular way; the influence of my parents, school, peers, work, my relationships. Although this course was specifically for work, in my personal life there are quite a few situations that mean I need to be aware of my communication style. These include my relationships with friends, family and also my son. With assertive behaviour you have a right to have your needs met but equally need to respect the views of others.

We did a few questionnaires during the course and unsurprisingly I came out as being a 'people pleaser' and a 'perfectionist'. I often put others needs before my own. I think that's quite a common trait in ME sufferers. I have a habit of agreeing to do things without thinking about the impact first. So that's the first thing I need to look at. Secondly I tend to hold onto stuff I am unhappy about until it gets too much and then I let it out, ranting for a while - not helpful as the person on the receiving end gets defensive and  switches off meaning there is no productive outcome.

Being submissive and aggressive are actually pretty tiring and stressful styles of communication and as a result take a lot out of us. Although initially it can be uncomfortable, getting into the habit of being assertive can only be a good thing. It can make us feel more empowered and our voice gets heard, while the other person/people also feels listened to and respected.

We focused on the drama triangle (karpman) nd transactional analysis (Berne) should you wish to look into what I've talked about further.

Do you find it hard to be assertive?

ME Clinic - 3rd Appointment

I had my third appointment on Friday. I'm still completing my activity diaries and we talked about how I'm breaking my days up a bit better i.e. not having such big chunks of medium or high energy activities and am switching between mental and physical tasks. I'm definitely thinking more about what I'm doing during the day and prioritising what needs to be done and what can wait. I really notice my instant reaction to things that happen that are stressful and how my body and mind responds to them. My therapist spoke about how the body is often on 'high alert' in ME and sufferers reactions to stress are amplified, which I can really relate to. Pre-ME I would become nervous or stressed but now I feel like the slightest stress makes me feel quite disconnected, brainfogged and anxious which then leaves me feeling drained minutes, hours or days afterwards. It's funny though as most people who know me say that I never really look that distressed but I have a habit of internalising things..So to break that cycle I've learned that I need to delegate tasks to my other half so I'm not taking everything on, leaving things that don't need to be actioned straight away and practising more relaxation. I also need to stay in the moment and not start catastrophizing (I know I've slipped into CBT talk now....) I think that's where mindfulness would be really helpful.

We also chatted about exercise. I'm having to give up my yoga class due to moving house and the location of the class which is a real shame as I've been finding it very helpful. I'm on the lookout for another though and in the meantime have ordered the Beat Fatigue with Yoga DVD which I've used in the past and would recommend. The therapist has given me some stretches to do and if I get on ok with them then we'll look at some others at the next appointment. She's been adapting them to a yoga style which makes them a bit more interesting to do.

So until the next appointment the main focus is to be more zen like :)

                                                  Photo: taken at Lake Como September 2012

The stress of house hunting

I've been busy the last few weeks absorbed in the Breaking Bad boxsets which I have to say I'm loving! But aside from that we've also been house hunting. And we've gone full circle with our plans - we've decided to stay in Edinburgh!

A few months of job hunting up north has made us realise that although our family would be closer we are unlikely to get work up there. Or if we did it's likely it would be shift work and we would have to drop our wages as it's difficult to stay on the same band when you move to another NHS trust. Yes moving north meant the house prices would be cheaper, the schools are excellent but there are less amenities and opportunities and overall it seems like our quality of life wouldn't be so good. We've also built a life here in Edinburgh having been in the Lothians for the past twelve years and it would be tough to give that up...

 So we've started looking for properties. Edinburgh is not a cheap city to live in, especially when you're trying to get something in a good school catchment. But I think we can do it and the bonus is that where we are renting is already in a good catchment so there shouldn't really be too much pressure to move before August although in an ideal world...

 I have quite been stressed over these last few weeks and my ME has flared up at times. The whole process of buying, with the closing dates and being outbid, really gets to me and as a result I even missed a hospital appointment as I was so distracted -oops! I'd noticed I was feeling really irritable and feeling despondent as it reminded me of how difficult it had been back in the early 2000's when we were first time buyers and properties were going for well over the valuation.

 Luckily I recognised that feeling this way was not going to help my health and I can't risk having another relapse. I am a true believer in the saying 'what's for you wont go by you'. So I've been challenging my negative thoughts and worries about the future and I'm trying to focus on the present, practising mindfulness, and have started back at my yoga class. So although the process of searching for properties, viewing them and liasing with solicitors isn't the most relaxing, I recognise that I need to take everything a step at a time and keep grounded, not allowing myself to get caught up in the 'what if's and but's'. I've also signed up to 100 happy days which means I'm taking photos or making note of things that have made me smile each day. It's worth checking out!

 Hope you are all keeping well and stress free. I'm signing off now - back to Breaking Bad...